So...yeah...

Hey everyone,

So this weekend was weird as hell, and not in the fun way, so this will mostly be a kind of emo entry.

So Thursday night after (while) making out with J in the stacks we had another conversation in which I told him that we needed to stop doing what we're doing. Granted, it wasn't terribly convincing since I had my hand in his waistband when I said it, but I actually explained to him everything about how I would demand things he had no obligation to give me etc. And he took it well (he always does) especially because I told him that I'm sort of incapable of resisting him, and I have a kind of insatiable carnal desire for him. We joked about how I was going to try and resist and that I wouldn't be able to do it, and I told him I was determined and then he said something that was rather beautifully worded: he said it wouldn't last because I am "a woman who flies be her whim." and I am, so it didn't last.

Friday night we were studying philosophy and drinking every time the word "form" showed up, which is all the fucking time when you're studying Socrates, Aristotle and Plato, so I got drunk. He stopped drinking way before I did because he had given double red cells at the blood drive that day. The point is that I was really really drunk. It was funny because we weren't really alone ever, there was always someone else around so I had to be all subtle about wanting to jump him. At one point his roommate left the room and I like attacked him. (He loves it). Later, when we had given up on studying on the grounds that my hyppocampus was probably completely incapable of functioning properly, we went to watch tv. (We being J, his roommate, and myself.) Well at one point I left the room and when I came back they were man cuddling and watching Pretty Woman so I lay down on top of both of them and they each had an arm around me and I fell completely asleep for awhile. It was adorable. Later J walked me home and we made out really heavily for awhile and then parted.

So Saturday day was an important game between OSU and Purdue, which I was really looking forward to. We were pretty sure we were gonna win because Purdue got their asses kicked last weekend and have been failing a little bit. It was a huge weekend for football, a whole bunch of the best teams got kicked by teams who used to worse than them. Anyways, R woke me up at 11 with a loud knock and came in and we chatted about dreams and then went to lunch. he said something at lunch about how there were some people you only see as friends, implying thats how he saw me and I was like "phew" and then relaxed a little. So then a really wonderful thing happened. At like 3 when i was heading over to kappa Sig to watch the game I spied a motorcycle on the way and almost died. It was one of the sexist bikes I've ever seen. 2006 Harley with all of this chrome work and this really nice sweeping exhaust pipe, and it had Hawaii plates. So i got into Kappa Sig and was like "rob who's bike is that!?" and he said he didn't know and then asked this guy witting there if it was his, and I looked at the guy who answered and actually fell in love, right there.

C, a 22 year old Iraq veteran, specifically a marine. He bought the bike from one of his buddies who had a foot injury when he got back to Hawaii where he was stationed,from Iraq. He is the older brother of one of the guys who lives in Kappa Sig and oh my God he is so beautiful I can't even describe it. he just seemed so adult. He was polite and sweet and clever and he revved his bike for me and it was amazing. I was completely in love with him after 2 minutes of conversation. he lives about 20 minutes from campus and visits his brother fairly often so I'm hoping he'll come back soon and I can give him my number etc. I miss him already! He would be such a perfect boyfriend for me, ugh. So...yeah...I'm obsessed.

But nothing works out perfectly immediately so then comes Saturday night. We closed the show and thus the final cast party happened, which was pretty fun. KG got real drunk again but without vomit or suicide contemplation thank God. She left pretty early and i embarrassed myself by relentlessly hitting on the guy she went on a date with. It was weird because he thinks I' gorgeous (his word) but he also thinks I'm a bitch and he doesn't want to be a jerk to KG and then he basically ran away from me. So...yeah...that was embarrassing, I haven't seen him since, we'll see how it goes. So then when I got back to Beta (after falling down a hill and dropping my phone while talking to R) R was there and I cuddled up on him for awhile and it was really nice, he put his arms around me and squeezed and everything, it was so sweet, and not at all platonic. So lord knows whats going on wit the two of us, we'll figure it out eventually I guess. I also fell down a flight of stairs onto my back and am in fairly horrible pain but nothing broke so I don't get a legit pain killer. I do, however, have a spectacular bruise.

Alright, here's where the weirdness happens. Things with J had been fine because I mostly didn't want to kiss him even I had purely carnal needs so I hadn't been too worried about not getting the things I was going to want. So when I call J a song plays instead of it just ringing. Now I have no idea what the song is, I just heard it when I call him. So Sunday I was looking at some music on itunes because we had been listening to The Hush Sound and I really liked them (they're amazing) and was perusing songs and I clicked on one and it was the one that plays when I call J (we intertwined off their first album) and I immediately had this feeling of warmth and happiness at the thought of him, a completely overpowering feeling, a feeling that is usually completely wonderful and incredible, and then I burst into tears. That feeling, is not ok. That feeling might mean that I'm in love with J. Like really in love, like can't get him out of my mind, like happier every time I see him in love. So...yeah...that sucks.

So now I feel completely horrible, like getting somewhere close to how I felt after Travis's party summer before my senior year...awful. I can't be in love with him, let's go over why. First he has a girl friend and at this point I am thinking that he is actually cheating on her with me and that this open relationship is something he made up to make me ok with it. I think this because of his facebook page, and the fact that none of his friends know that he and I are hooking up, and because he was talking about house shopping with her to his guy friends the other night (I wasn't there, a friend told me). So he is both lying to me and cheating on her and we all know what I hate more than anything: cheating and lying. Second, according to the first reason he probably doesn't have feelings for me that are at all similar. It's fucking K in December all over again, I'm going to be miserable until I tell him that I'm in love with him and then everything will go to hell. I told him today that we needed to talk again because "Something weird happened to me this weekend and I'm hoping it will go away." I'm praying it will go away. After K found out I was in love with him and we had that chat it totally disappeared...oh wait, that's right, it didn't at all.

Conclusion: J is going to hurt me, it might be this week, it might be in a month, but eventually he is going to hurt me and it's going to be horrible. I knew that about K too, but it didn't help at all. It is possible that this feeling is the result of something hormonal and it will go away, so I'm going to wait awhile before I talk to him about it, just in case it does. God, I feel so awful, I now what I have to do, just don't want to do it at all. So...yeah...

So sorry that that wasn't a super fun entry, but y'all should know about the stuff that isn't fun too.

I love you a lot, thanks for letting me be your only girl and not one you're cheating on or cheating with, I love you friends of mine.

-R