Naughty, naughty

Well hello there,

Much has been afoot these last two weeks. I have two weekends of scandal to share with you:

Friday September 19-Saturday Sept 20
I texted JD during the day to see if he wanted to do something sober but he didn't text me back until 9:30 which is past the designated time of sobriety on Fridays. After karaoke with the beta girls I went to a part at rose, which is a tridelt house. It was HUGE, like ridiculously giant and the floor was all gooey with beer and it was gross and stuff. Anyways JD had invited me there and we met up and danced etc. And then we made out in my room which was pretty lame. (There are extra details in this story which I won't print, some of you know them)

So the next morning I felt really shitty about hooking up with him (we did not have sex though, just to clarify) and I had an awful day, but I had a big party in the Bunker to look forward to. (The Bunker is J's seven man) So I spent like 4 hours getting ready for it and I brought all the beta girls with me and they were super awkward. Most of them hadnt been to a party before, it was great. Anyways, I got pretty fuckin drunk and danced around and a couple of interesting things happened: 1) R asked me if I had a boyfriend and we talked about relationships and a little later when I was drunk enough to get away with it there might have been some cuddling. 2) I danced with this ridiculous kid from my house, O, who's very touchy when he drunk, and also very sweet. 3) MOST IMPORTANT I was doing my drunken best to meet all the borthers (since it was sort of a beta party) who were there (they all love me btdubs) and I ran across I guy who reluctantly answered yes when I aksed him if he was a beta. I asked about it and he explained to me that he was suspended because he accused one of his brothers of rape. He told me that he knew of 6 girls this guy had raped but that he didn't get in trouble for it. well that totally freaked me out, so I asked who it was, and he explained that it was none other than J! I was scandalized, and totally freaked out.

Here's what I have learned: J says that it total crap, that the guy I was taking to really hates him and that he was suspended for other reasons too, including anti-recruitment when the boys really needed pledges. J also flat out denies the rape allegations and clarified that the other guy only had two cases and neither girl would speak against J. Also, as far as i can tell from talking to other people, pretty much everyone believes that J didn't do anything wrong and that the guy is a jerk.

Still, what a ridiculously terrifying thing to have to think about. I think i can understand how someone might turn hooking up with J into something that sounded like rape. I mean, he told me himself that he can get very angry (with the addendum that that isn't true anymore...) and he is rather heavy handed in the act of making out, which, by the way, I love. So its one of those weird gray college things I guess.

Later in the week i had a conversation with J in which I told him we probably shouldn't make out anymore because I wasn't sure about my feelings and all that crap. he responded by saying that he thinks maybe I like him more than I'm letting one, which got me to thinking. I think maybe he's right, I do like him, and when my parents were in town I found myself telling them about him a lot. The problem with that is that i already like him more than I should. I can't do this in between relationship crap, I do committed, monogamous, or one night stands, this weird continually hooking up stuff doesn't work for me. I want more from him than I have the right to demand and he has no obligation to give it to me because he's not my boyfriend, it's a problem, thus we should probably be friends...right?

Oh, also, at 11:30 on Sunday night R walked to Beta to ask for my phone number.

Last weekend:
So my parents came for parents weekend and Friday night they came to rehearsal and got to see the show. Saturday night we went to the football game at which J was cheer leading. Turns out I love football. Once Mom explained the rules to me it was really exciting and we were even winning for awhile...and then we got trounced. But football is great and I decided, since J has been prodding me about it, that I'm going to cheer lead.

After the game on Saturday I went to the bunker for Danger's 21st birthday party. I had resolved after last weekend that I needed to not get drunk for a couple weeks to see if I still made stupid decisions. So I had a couple drinks and got a buzz but was not at all drunk. Good for me. During the party O tried to make out with me which was cute and gave me a lovely back massage. It was weird because j kept saying things to me that were a little mean. I mean, to everyone else they were funny, because nobody but me and J knew they were true, but to me they were a little mean. Anyway I had already decided that I wanted to make out with J after the party so the whole night we were subtly fondling each other, it was cute. (Also there might have been a smacking my ass contest...) Around 1 in the morning the sober kid drove us to MacDonald's so J could order 80 chicken nuggets for everyone who was still around. It was ridiculous. Finally, I decided to crash on one of the futons, and after everyone had gone to bed I got a chance to make out with J. Here's where it gets interesting. He was really drunk, and I wasn't and we're making out and he does that guy thing where he's like "I want you so bad" and I'm like, "ok." And he was like "really," and I told him it was fine as long as he was ok with the risk, which we had discussed before. i guess I kind of took advantage of him, how exciting! Anyway...so we had sex, which was pretty delightful, but a little weird. We were "taking precautions" which included very little touching and some odd condom related manuvers, but it worked out ok. And afterwards he was all "are you ok?" and of course I was.

Then I passed out on the futon until about 5 in the morning when I walked back to beta to sleep a little more before meeting my parents for church.

So on Sunday I' expecting J to call me. It's a sensitive situation and the decent thing is to just check in right? Right. So he doesn't call and after a horrible 10 out of 12 he finally texted me at like 10:30 and said, in a moment of literary genius: "you ok?" I was like yes now that you've texted me, failure.

So then I see him in class on Monday and I tell him I'm a little mad at him for not calling me, and we quip and I'm witty and bitter the way I can be. After class we walk to the back of the building for a minute and explain to him that I'm disappointed in him (without sounding like his mother) And he' all "you were sober!" Then I had to tell him that the sex part didn't bother me at all, it was that he didn't deal with it well.

And then I learned that J is, in fact, a woman. He told me he didn't call because he was freaking out and he kept asking me if I was ok, and blahdy blah. So lord knows whats up with him he's having an extremely feminine freak out. He keeps apologizing and asking me if I'm ok. From this I learned something. Sex for me is easy, it has sort of lost all the intimacy previously attached to it. It's like now that we've had sex all the uncertainty I had has totally disappeared. And that makes me sad, sex should not be that separate from emotion for me, but it is. I mean, making out on a regular basis with someone you like but aren't dating is hard, sex, sex is easy.

So that's a little sad and I wish he would stop being a girl so we could move on. I haven't spoken to him since class on Monday, but i'll see him tomorrow so I guess we'll find out.

In other news Rob asked me to watch the OSU game with him on Saturday now that I like football, so I'm excited for that.

Also it's tech week which is a bitch and a half and I have three papers due next week when I have 5 performances. i am on the brink of a legitimate freak out, I'll let you know when it goes down.

I love you all with my whole heart.

-Rorie